Seeking Love My arms are full of pictures of my failures they look pretty but they are lost melancholic memories it’s the only way that I can show my vulnerability and my face is a painting of well-worn highways under my eyes are the tracks of my longing the ache and the tightness of life’s lost yearnings seeking love I overreact to the smallest of things I live by my triggers a machine gun firing drink till I cry and fall out of bed and I do it all again on the weekend reading letters from ex-lovers who say the same thing I’m controlling impulsive risk-taking commitment phobic it’s true I have a wandering eye and a wayward spirit never satisfied seeking love always in a flood of trouble I am no way around it these pictures on my arms they tell the story of me

Human Frailties I can love you from afar I can love you in my rear view mirror but I can’t love you in real life in real time only from afar cause there’s something missing in me like a tree with no limbs a kid with no mum a bird with one wing unhinged undone you can hear it in my voice I want to blame someone we were lovers in the night it kind of felt right but rightness has a shelf life an expiration date oh my wife oh my life cut the jugular let the heart do all the work bend only with instruction like multiplication tender as the night skies over me when you feel you’ve done your time put on that sympathetic mask empathic perception illicit abasement score one for the little hollow girl there’s two hundred and six bones in your body how many of those did I break how many melodies are left have they all been used up have all the words been taken so nothing new can be written I wonder I wonder don’t you? deep set dented expressionless muted worthless useless fruitless pointless hypocritical artificial and cynical there’s two hundred and six bones in your body how many of those did I break hands by your side clench your fists there’s tightness in your jaw be careful of your wrists bend at your hips watch your knees in all likeliness you’ll fall cause it’s your human frailties

Me And My Ghost Never knew how much I cared can’t say I’ve had many regrets but now I’m living with a ghost and the ghost in the mirror is me we talked about living by the river detaching from the world and now I live by that river just me and my ghost we talk about the injustices that we lodge inside out heart we whisper of the beauty that carries in the wind we close our eyes and remember the earthy scent of your skin we let the tears run down our cheeks as we let the feelings in never knew how much I cared never knew that I could hurt cause somewhere way back there I built a wall and went to war with the world never known how love feels I’ve only let it get so close but never too close to burn my skin it’s just been me and my ghost we run through valleys of tall grass scream our pain out at the stars strip our clothes off by the creek and try to wash away the scars like a pack of wolves we repeat this try to soothe the wounds we hide inside our fractured spirit selves day after day month after month year after year never known how love feels I’ve never let myself be unfurled cause somewhere way back there I built a wall and went to war with the world

Song Without A Voice Four kids three men sex sex babies a threesome of coercion sex sex babies I got four babies who I love this is not my shame stand on my own stand-alone this judgement you seek can’t pay the bills never enough I haven’t eaten for a week I keep my shame in a heart shaped box wrapped tight to my chest I gave my babies everything seeker till I find her you can’t take that from me like a face with no eyes song with no voice like you said there’s no guarantees there’s no guarantees when I was a kid you put your shame in me when I was a kid when I was a kid you poisoned me with your shame I am your beauty all you have become and all that you are I am your grief staring right back at you

Fragile Bones Will Break I remember the morning as though it were yesterday you breathless led me to a hall where the dim lights shadowed your face as you moved along and I was right all along all alone in this house where you once lived once where you lived where you lived in this house where you once lived it’s the same old dance that I do for forty years I waltzed the room bracelet necklace earrings and tattoos I pull away like I always do take comfort in the lonely space inside I guess it’s something I learnt from you and fragile bones will break mountain peaks will shed their skin when it’s time to move away from the seasons change are the colours really there are you are you really there and fragile bones will break mountain peaks will shed their skin when it’s time to move away from the seasons change this is a dream…

You Were Humming Our Song You opened a vein turned out the light fall back asleep I fill up the fire with wood from the shed while your still asleep I wash the sheets I bake the bread draw you a bath lower you down skin and bone lover lie down matthew mark luke and john bless this bed that I lie on and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take pray the lord my soul to take empty the bucket over your head over your head I sat in the creek I washed you off smelt the earth from my pits I sat there until my pigment changed but your bruise won’t wash off your often at a loss destination unknown runs deep like the river we live above it traces the lines around your eyes searching for something with nothing inside searching for nothing with something inside empty the bucket over your head I sat on the porch cigarette in my lips my fingers looked old I thought I heard water sounded like you you were humming our song mmm…

I Wish I Was Mary Gaitskill I want to get lost inside someone’s eyes for a week get fucked up on cocaine and weed play my guitar try to get in touch with my feelings broken unclothed never felt so alive in my life sharp pen thin skin and an open heart grief has altered my muscles disfigured my face cut me alive I’m so out of touch with my feelings I’m so out of touch with my feelings I want to sing like Patty Griffin bleed a little blood like Bruce Springsteen write my story down like Mary Gaitskill it cuts to the bone I’m so out of touch with my feelings got Patty Smith on to drown out the noise in my head I’m blowing smoke rings like I used to do when we lay in bed I’m shaking I’m inhaling I spat you out over the railing oh darling remember my face when you get so low I’ve got restless legs all night long tight as a fist held in my gut grief still holds the reigns to my heart I’m so out of touch with my feelings I want to sing like Patty Griffin bleed a little blood like Bruce Springsteen write my story down like Mary Gaitskill it cuts to the bone I’m so out of touch with my feelings with my feelings…

Love Lies Bleeding It’s a hard day a silent day but the silence brings the words to me marches them in front of me like kids caught by the enemy and it’s the little explosions that I detonate they sit in you they wait for me to gently nudge down on that spark to set in motion your loyal heart and I know that I can’t measure up to a kindness I’m not familiar with I’m hungry for sentiment for a meaning a purpose for anything and these words get louder restlessness settles weeks of torture I run from what you offer me well I run from the one thing that could make me feel complete sit with me with your heart of gold don’t rush these hands as you breathe it out stones lay down in front of you lay them down like my words so true and I was reckless with your fragile heart the heavy between us suffocates my soul now I’m lost at sea and have no way back can’t find my way to my own heartbeat and these silent days will soothe my will keep me clothed keep me honest to fulfil my only speak to you in my language you don’t recognise cause it’s all I got when everything dies off love lies bleeding don’t run don’t hide

Lost And Found Lost and found this love is déjà vu like I’ve been here before it’s so sweet and true and I know some things even though I say that I don’t my desire is fuelled by rapid fire and a false alarm like a sun-shower and when I’m near you girl your like the quenching river how can I know you I can’t know you but I do and your eyes so wild it’s like the lights came on I don’t know you but I do Angelique you got me on my back touching teardrops in the sky while the lion roars inside must have been what adam felt in the sistine chapel how can I know you thirty six hours and eighteen minutes and the cosmos blew pushing us right toward I can’t know you but I do and I know some things about your beating heart and those times we met were so far apart so far apart somehow how I was always with you how can I know you I can’t know you but I do like a slow sunrise bursting out of my chest you are my lost and found my love

Sky Serenade Me Blind Never really spend my time seeking out a guru or a way to live that has rules and conditions a trumped up club for the elite never travelled further than Melbourne and I’ve never wanted to cause the sky here is so big and brave I can feel my heartbeat every night of the week I light fires under the constellation and my babies serenade me daily never wanted to go on those holidays that you wanted me to I’m so happy to sit with the stars let my pulse slow down until all the firewood turns to coals and I’m smiling my smile sipping my beer with my head held high some say I am boring and some say I am blind and there’s some that think I’m pretty amusing and others that think I’m unkind here we go! never really spend my time booking tickets to a festival or packing my bags to go anywhere no arrangements made with friends or family I like to be on my own and think and tune in to places you see in the magazines like earth garden and national geographic and twenty one seconds is a really long time between drips in a bath twenty one seconds like twenty one years but that would be twenty eight which has now become thirty sitting in the bath with the tap dripping every twenty one seconds gives me time to think and I count in my head how many roses I picked you fingers on porcelain like the way I remember your skin smooth smooth rough smooth rough smooth here we go!

Into Your Open Remember those days spent in my bedroom when I thought I was in luck but you actually liked me yeah you actually liked me we’d wag school raid the pantry make telephone calls like we were the sick and the needy to the ladies on the lifeline who told us to hang in there try to find a friend is there anyone you can trust? and I fucked around like all of us did as much and as less as any traumatised kid looking for comfort distraction and a high it kept me away from looking myself in the eye cause somehow it’s easier to be on the run until everything bursts and you’ve got no space inside you’ve got nowhere to hide into your open oh la la my lucky stars what have I done to see your face in my arms oh dear god what have I done to deserve you I see your face in every crowd of people in every crowd of people and in the afternoons it was hours of passionate kissing and all the stuff that I’ve been missing now I’m an adult if you can call it that well I call it playback and your mum was up at the crack of dawn with a wine in her hands and she always hugged me as well as you and your sister I’m not going to hell oh la la my lucky stars what have I done to see your face in my arms oh dear god I want to rest here with you now I want to come home into your open into your open I’m freefalling into your open

1990 In The City I heard that song today the one you can’t undo that eighties lullaby stuck inside your heart so true so I sang along a private love song on the street outside your house wondering how it all went wrong it was 1990 in the city we came together briefly I kissed your mouth so pretty you told me you were pregnant I tried to raise my expectations but inside I knew something died in me and something died in you to and the longing and the yearning lives dormant in us both that habitual junction is only a matter of time was me looking at you and you looking right back at me it was thirty years spent chasing your ghost and now I’m not a kid no more or so I like to fake it and I remember your face and the places I touched it like it was yesterday and my hands are on fire I turn my back on more often than I don’t that I turn my back on more often than I don’t that I turn my back on more often than I don’t my hands are on fire my hearts on fire

Your Brother’s Car Riding around in your brother’s car two tone holden gemini these were our dreams this was our time it was also our last goodbye riding your wave tuning into you photographic memory lay on my back under you where I belong and my eyes saw things felt your tantric lips saw you leave the room shame on your breath bloody and swollen in the silence I feel you riding round in your brother’s car two tone holden gemini these were our dreams this was our time it was also our last goodbye you’re a slow creeper and a restless heart

Moonbow Weep as I run I will weep as I run I was never built for this world I was meant for the sun I live my life the way that I choose and when I pick fights with assholes I know it keeps you secretly amused static hands in place kicking tyres of children’s home made swings I roll onto my back let the dirt and the bracken anoint my itch even though I’m telling you my name you can call me the bear that you found in your back lane weep as I run I will weep as I run small brown bear in the dark or maybe I’m black on my feet I swing the rope between my teeth I thrash and moan I kick the dirt punch the air out through the woods I run we stare at the moon and I stare at my shame and that metallic taste in your water will never be the same even though you know my name won’t you call me the bear that you found in your back lane weep as I run I will weep as I run I was never built for this world I was meant for the sun

We Share The Same Name You and I we share the same name we were born into violence and grief but I don’t let anyone tell me that’s my way when you were alive I was scared of your hands the shaky connection they had trepidation you laid them out laid them on me yeah you laid them out in your valley of grief misunderstood that’s how you felt misunderstood that’s how you felt in your worn out shorts and your K26ers that pipe in your mouth as you drove down the highway you shared your clichés we shared a connection work the job make the money pay the money out work the job make the money pay the money out it’s a whole life’s journey just to stay alive misunderstood that’s how you felt misunderstood that’s how you felt dead dad fortress broken still night air sunset your time gave you up breathing space no discipline no self-help tidal bulge tide moves on moves towards us it’s the intersection empty vessels empty hearts compassion is a dirty word worn out shorts pipe in mouth five litre car drive on the freeway just trying to get somewhere else somewhere else anywhere else you were never any good with change you were never any good with change

Price Of A Free Soul For your love I am waiting waiting here inside that familiar pulse inside myself the anger and the blood I feel it rise lord I feel it rise two bangles on my arm clang and I’m waiting for your love the fierce attachment rushes through me like heroin in my blood I feel it rush oh I feel it rise our empty bed clothes on the floor are the colour of my feathers what you were looking for this bitterness is strong it’s metallic in my mouth I swore I kicked this habit long ago but as you know I tell lies I lie to myself most of the time well I’m standing on your doorstep waiting for your love I’m angry and I’m tender and I won’t apologise nor will I smile don’t ask me to fucken smile I trace the curves tears on the sheets are you sleeping are you alive la la la I’m standing on your doorstep and waiting for your love I’m angry and I’m tender and I won’t apologise the sheets are burning my hands are burning the sheets are burning my hands are burning…DEAR SOCIETY HERE IS MY LETTER TO YOU SEVENTEEN VERSES ON HOW DAMAGED WE ARE I’M DONE WITH THE PATRIARCHY AND SWALLOWED ENOUGH MACHISMO FOR ONE LIFETIME I’VE HAD IT UP TO MY NECK WITH SEXIST OVERTONES AND UNDERTONES I’M ANXIOUS IN THIS ANGRY WORLD OF WHITE PRIVILEGE AND ENTITLEMENT CITIES FLOODED WITH ADVERTISING OVERSTIMULATED UNDERSLEPT OVERCAFFINATED OUR EMPATHY IS WANING AND WE’RE ALL DISENGAGING CAN’T YOU FEEL IT AND OUR EGO’S LIKE A POLITICIAN STATE AND FEDERAL IT’S ONE BIG FEEDING MACHINE CAUSE THE HOLE INSIDE US HAS GOT SO BIG WE GOT TO FILL IT FILL IT UP WITH SHOPPING SPEND OUR MONEY DISTRACT OURSELVES WITH TECHNOLOGY AND WE DON’T CONSIDER COMPROMISE WE SIMPLY THINK IT’S OUR RIGHT TO KEEP TAKING OUR ADDICTION TO OWN AND CONTROL AND POSESS THAT’S WHAT SETS US APART FROM OTHER ANIMALS THAT’S WHAT SEPERATES OUR HEARTS AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I’M NOT GONNA STAND HERE AND SMILE SO YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE I WON’T BE SUBMISSIVE OR MEEK I WON’T SHUT MY MOUTH TO THE INJUSTICES I WON’T NOD POLITELY WHEN YOU MANSPLAIN ME I’M NOT GONNA SMILE FOR YOU FOR ANYONE I’LL SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO I’LL BE UPTIGHT WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT AND ACT HOWEVER THE FUCK I FEEL AND DON’T CALL ME LUV DON’T CALL ME SWEETART DON’T CALL ME DARLIN AND DON’T CALL ME BABE I’M NOT YOUR SWEETART YA LUV DARLIN OR YA BABE I HAVE A NAME MY NAME IS BEK-JEAN STEWART USE MY NAME BEK-JEAN STEWART AND SINCE YOU SEEM TO LOVE JOBS SO MUCH HERE’S ONE FOR YOU YOUR JOB IS TO ADAPT TO CHANGE TO ACCEPT TO STAND ASIDE TO GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY TO STOP COCKBLOCKING TO BE FLEXIBLE IT’S YOUR TURN AND ANOTHER THING WE DON’T NEED YOUR PERMISSION WOMEN DO NOT NEED YOUR PERMISSION AND ONE MORE THING HERE’S A LIST OF WOMEN YOU OUGHT TO GET TO KNOW BOBBI SYKES, WINONA LADUKE, TONI MORRISON, SUSAN SONTAG, bell hooks, ALICE WALKER, GLORIA STEINEM, EILEEN MYLES, EMILY DAVISON, EVA COX, ROXANE GAY, RUTH BADER GINSBURG, HANNAH GADSBY, CLAUDIA RANKINE, BETTY FRIEDAN, SOJOURNER TRUTH, CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE, PATRISSE CULLORS, MARY WOLLSTONECRAFT, MAYA ANGELOU, AUDRE LORDE, ROSETTA THARPE, EVERYONES ON SMART PHONES BUT NOBODY’S SMART EVERYONES IN LYCRA BUT NOBODY’S HOT!

I Was Born With Not Enough Love Inside Sweet baby boy I couldn’t face you then as the days get longer your name caught in my throat and I know that I left you but you never left me your name caught in my throat sun on my face water in my lungs I feel like I can’t breathe gotta ditch this place my movements are weak there’s water to my knees I need to get you out get you out of this place your face in the window in the doorway in the rain and the wind and the flood and the magazines death has a way of catching me it trips me at my sides like a road slick like the water in my lungs so wide storm passes by I step outside I pull my hoodie on see your little eyes rain wash away all my regrets wash em down the dirty river it’s you I can’t forget I was born with not enough love inside I feel you in my hands my feet my lips my tits my arms my legs and my fingertips and we will wash away down the dirty river wash me away down the dirty river I was born with not enough love inside

Song For A What would ever become of me what would become of us I’m a drum beating my own rhythm thud thud thud open the window cat at the door breathe through your mouth it’s like up in your chest swallow swallow swallow swallow and I’ve got my tricks for not being around to disappear into the sound my stories ended with goodbyes your mum and me we were kids in love in a brutal world that severed our hearts and pushed us apart for thirty years but no brutal world can destroy the deepest love and I yearned for her and I longed for you my sweet baby girl I never knew like the water on rocks in a fast flowing stream I let you go another of life’s casualties and for twenty nine years I’ve held your heart like a precious orchid inside my own heart if these words had feelings this page would cry tears of sadness and at the end of my day I will write you these words cause it’s all I have left my beautiful precious girl I thought about your face were you a boy or a girl I wondered if you had her tear drop shaped eyes and her crooked grin and those lips full of longing I thought about your face and I chased down those years with my anger and the drink I cheated I lied I let people down I didn’t think about anyone but me and anyone but you and anyone but your mother and my story usually ends with goodbyes but this time I say hello I welcome you into my life welcome you into my life and I’d like to be more than your imaginary mum but it’s also ok if we keep it this way this is my song for you…

1990 In The City I heard that song today the one you can’t undo that eighties lullaby stuck inside your heart so true so I sang along a private love song on the street outside your house wondering how it all went wrong it was 1990 in the city we came together briefly I kissed your mouth so pretty you told me you were pregnant I tried to raise my expectations but inside I knew something died in me and something died in you to and the longing and the yearning lives dormant in us both that habitual junction is only a matter of time was me looking at you and you looking right back at me it was thirty years spent chasing your ghost and now I’m not a kid no more or so I like to fake it and I remember your face and the places I touched it like it was yesterday and my hands are on fire I turn my back on more often than I don’t that I turn my back on more often than I don’t that I turn my back on more often than I don’t my hands are on fire my hearts on fire